Should sexual fantasies be discussed between partners?

Another paper written for Abnormal Psychology course, the 'Infotrac' was also part of the on-line classroom.

Infotrac: Should sexual fantasies be discussed between partners?

Sexual fantasies are personal “private mental events whose sole purpose would seem to be to induce pleasurable feelings of sexual desire and arousal” and where a person is not inhibited by what others might think, by “practical and legal barriers, or by fears of embarrassment, criticism, or rejection” (Article A123120064).  Sexual fantasies play a large role in sexual arousal for both men and women and indicate a healthy sex life (some consider not having sexual fantasies to be pathological).  Although Fraud theorized that sexual fantasies are a sign of a dissatisfied person, today’s researchers note that "the people who have the most sexual problems fantasize least." (Article A17382261).  Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder is a of “lack fantasies of desire to have sexual relations (Chapter 11, page 313).  Fantasies, like other behaviors, are conditioned and are reinforced by arousal and orgasm.  Fantasies are “treasured possessions, yet we're ashamed of them" (Article A17382261).  Sexual fantasies are taboo among conservatives; for example, one study revealed that nearly half of conservative Christians feel sexual fantasies are "morally flawed or unacceptable" (Article A17382261)) however, the fact of the matter is that most people have sexual fantasies and it is completely normal.

There are differences and similarities in men and women’s fantasies, and gender roles do seem to have an influence.  Common fantasies for both men and women “include forbidden acts, seduction, and dominance” (Article A17382261) and fantasies about past lovers.  “In a sample of college students, researchers found that men fantasized or thought about sex 7.2 times a day, compared to 4.5 for women” (Article A17382261).  Men's fantasies involve “more interactions with multiple partners than did women's (Article A123120064) and “ninety-eight percent of men compared to 80% of women reported having.. fantasies” about other people (Article A75820037).  Studies also show that the longer people are in a monogamous relationship, the more fantasies they have involving “someone other than their current partner” indicating that longer relationships “may lead to a decrease in the excitement associated with fantasizing about one's partner, an increase in the excitement associated with fantasizing about someone else, or both” (Article A75820037).

Men’s fantasies often include more than one partner, especially when fantasizing about their own dominance. Men’s fantasies are usually ‘sexually explicit’ and focus on the physical aspects and pleasure of his partner.  This is reflected in material popular for men, such as Playboy Magazine, showing “big-busted women exposing their attributes, in almost clinical detail, from a variety of angles and positions” (Article A17382261).  One study revealed men “were four times as likely to focus on their fantasy partner's physical characteristics” (Article A17382261).  One reason for this may be because once arousal has occurred in the male, orgasm is highly likely; the focus on the pleasure of their partner in fantasy may be influenced by the fact that in reality it is more difficult to detect a female’s orgasm.  

Women tend to have more emotional and romantic fantasies, for example “tales like The Bridges of Madison County and cookie-cutter Harlequin romances” (Article A17382261) where passion and romance are main features and the woman feels desired.  One popular fantasy among women is the ‘submission fantasy’ which is also referred to as ‘rape fantasy’ where the sexual act is in some way against their will or forced, but it is important to note that "women who find submission fantasies sexually arousing are very clear that they have no wish to be raped in reality" (Article A17382261).  Women tend to focus on their own pleasure rather than their parters in their fantasies, despite the emotional or romantic aspects.  One author connected this to the fact that in reality, women are “encouraged to focus on their partner's desire and pleasure rather than on their own” so it isn’t surprising that in their fantasies “women might choose to emphasize their own needs rather than those of their male partners” (Article A123120064).  Another reason women may focus on their own pleasure and not their partners is because they are less likely than men to have an orgasm during intercourse.  

Should sexual fantasies be discussed between partners? Opinions differ.  One critic opined, “if your beau is fantasizing about other women, then clearly the two of you are not as deeply psychologically engaged with each other as you think. (Article A144403050).  A more conservative critic believes that “sexual fantasies can be addictive and lead to dissatisfaction. I give my "dream man" all positives and no negatives--then compare my husband unfavorably with an unrealistic portrait of another man (Article A155824722).  My recommendation to a person considering sharing their sexual fantasies with their partner is to be discerning in what is shared in case the partner would feel threatened (for example, if the subject of the fantasy is someone they know or if the fantasy is not-so-far fetched).  Overall, sharing sexual fantasies seems to me like a reasonable if not healthy thing to do, especially when a relationship is longer term, “then the fantasy can add zest to it,” because partners “could share their fantasies and explore them with each other” (Article A55588155).   

References:
Jet, August 16, 1999 v96 i11 p17; Should You Reveal Sexual Fantasies To Your Mate? (Brief Article); Full Text: COPYRIGHT 1999 Johnson Publishing Co.; Article A55588155

Psychology Today, March-April 2006 v39 i2 p52(1); He fantasizes about my friends. (UNCONVENTIONAL WISDOM); Article A144403050

Psychology Today, Sept-Oct 1995 v28 n5 p46(4); The safest sex. (sexual fantasies) Peter Doskoch; Article A17382261

The Journal of Sex Research, August 2004 v41 i3 p288(13); Power, desire, and pleasure in sexual fantasies. Eileen L. Zurbriggen; Megan R. Yost.; Author's Abstract: COPYRIGHT 2004 Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, Inc.; Article A123120064

The Journal of Sex Research, Feb 2001 v38 i1 p43; Sexual Fantasies About One's Partner Versus Someone Else: Gender Differences in Incidence and Frequency.; (Statistical Data Included) Thomas V. Hicks; Harold Leitenberg; Article A75820037

Marriage Partnership, Winter 2006 v23 i4 p52(3); Affairs of the mind: why romantic brain candy isn't all that sweet. (Viewpoint essay) Linda LaMar Jewell.; Full Text: COPYRIGHT 2006 Christianity Today, Inc.; Article A155824722